Remember how I said it was going to take awhile to feel the healing affects of the treatment?
Well, two weeks into the “plan” I was still waking up every day with the dreaded, disabling symptoms. I almost didn’t want to go to bed because I knew the next day was going to be as terrible as the one I had just lived. At the same time, I wanted badly to go to bed so as to put a stop to the day’s suffering.
In the beginning stages of recovery, I would end each night speaking hope of tomorrow out loud, “Tomorrow. Tomorrow I am going to be better.” This, however, became harder to do the longer it dragged out.
There was one evening where I quit trying to be positive– my spirit had been too badly broken. I was tired. Frustrated. I wanted to give up. Crying my weary complaints, I was gently put into check by the thought-provoking words of my husband who had also been persevering this trial alongside me.
It was a new perspective.
As I listened, my tears slowed and my heart grew softer with his reflection of God’s faithfulness to us. “Kimmy, think about the timing of it all…”
So I did.
Based on the charts, it seems that my body’s internal systems have been slowly fading over a period of time.
From the outside I appeared a healthy, well-balanced human being. On the inside, however, I was unknowingly sending my body into its worst nightmare.
I could have crashed at any time. But I didn’t.
Yes, there were minor illnesses and health cycles that I now see correlated to the main problems at stake. Although these illnesses pushed me faster downhill, I would eventually recover without suspicion of a grander coup de ta.
So, in realizing the vast opportunities for when my body could have ultimately decided to “crash,” there honestly could not have been a better time than now.
Had it happened during the honeymoon, before the wedding, while in Turkey, or even in college, there would have been serious life repercussions dramatically altering everything I’ve been able to do and accomplish up until this point.
It had to happen now. By God’s sovereign grace, it happened now.
Now. When I have a husband to be my constant partner, hilarious best friend, endless encourager, prayer warrior, and compassionate caretaker.
Now. When we’re in America, where doctors speak English.
Now. When we’re on furlough, resting and transitioning out of the holidays to put our focus towards our partners, friends, and family.
Although I would have been more than happy to experience our first couple months of marriage as well our brief time in America at full physical capacity, my husband wisely pointed out how this trial has worked to only bring us closer. Likewise, as a song on my running playlist says: “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”
This health debacle has once again showed me my weaknesses and where I am spiritually lacking. It has pinned down my pride, reminding me I am nothing without Christ. Greater yet, it has highlighted my spirit of ingratitude. At times like theses, ungratefulness could very well be my number one sin, perhaps even the biggest wall I build between me and my gracious Father.
All this time I’ve been sulking in my chair, dwelling on the now, while the NOW is exactly what I should praising Him for.
I still have a lot to work through and repent. But for now, I will gratefully run back into my Father’s arms and thank Him for the unconditional love and faithfulness He gives me, the child who seems to need to learn the same lessons over, and over again.