One can be doing wonderful things even when they’re empty.
This mash-up of emotions is truly a real condition, and unfortunately, it happens to be inhabiting my current state of being.
While I acknowledge a lack of joy and an increase of feverish exhaustion, and although I routinely face discouragement of impossible hardened hearts, I push forward with bravery and faith. For I believe 100% in the purpose for every single ounce of energy I pour out. To the point of emptiness.
How? How do I continue to pour into lives when I have nothing left? Because I’m choosing to love with love I don’t create. This love doesn’t depend on me, nor do I have to be in top form to receive it. Before I even asked for it, this love was mine to accept and to give.
Often I give from an overflow of this abundant love, having no caution for the lengths I go to serve. It’s easy. Effortless. Doesn’t seem like there’s any other way to live.
Other days I don’t want to give at all. For I fear that if I give, I shall have nothing left. It takes discipline, encouragement, and complete trust of the Father’s love. I survive only by depending– dependence of prayer.
Last Monday was one of these days. I found myself praying my way through the day. Humbled before my King Jesus, and with every breath, admitting my weakness and humanity, telling him that I have no strength to love today. That it has to be him. I’m empty. Open heavens storehouses. Replenish my supply.
I made it through the day, rosy cheeks, shaky legs, overheated and overwhelmed. The Lord used me to bring varieties of joy, hope, and peace to a people he greatly loves. This is an honor, a privilege, to make a living by being a vessel of Truth. But did I feel filled by this fact? No, still empty.
Through this season of emptiness, God is stretching me to exert myself beyond my limits. Although I don’t particularly like feeling this way, I’m realizing the beauty in it all. For, despite my weakness, God’s glory prevails. I’m doing nothing on my own accord, but relying 100% on Him whose name is being made known. Minute by minute, I have to consciously pray for help, for energy, for joy, for words. The things that usually come effortlessly are pressingly my top needs.
Even though I’m still empty and currently waiting to be filled, I’m seeing how this feeling of emptiness and yearning to be filled was created within a limited mindset of selfish, fleshly emotions. For the way God is filling me is much different than my human understanding of how I would expect to be filled. Instead of a confidence in myself and the tools I have available, I’m filled with the confidence of Christ in me and his surpassing greatness. My awe for His daily provision is growing and thus my lips are bringing forth praises boasting in God’s power and sovereignty.
It’s the firsthand knowledge of His glory that is filling me.
“He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
-2 Corinthians 12:9-10